There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.