Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
That’s easy for you to say
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.