You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me