If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.