“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
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[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Meow
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed