[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
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*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Breaking news:
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*