You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Finally, an explanation.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
When someone says you are so lazy
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.