Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
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bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.