[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
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[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Great Canadian literature.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?