interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
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