Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…