asked my bf how work was today
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Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?