EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Holy shit he’s back
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it