Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
eggs benadryl
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time