Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.