Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
You Might Also Like
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*