I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
That’s incredible! 👌
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!