Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
#Caturday
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
the battle rages on
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Batman v Dracula
Cat.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.