Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Fiction has to make sense.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer