It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
For the ones in the back.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month