I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Very good! 👍😂
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?