I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
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I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
i meant to share this earlier
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**