JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
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All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.