ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Living the best life.. 😊
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.