If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
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How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
an airline just for babies.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
We avoided this particular disaster
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No