“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
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Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My brain is a bad influence on me
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
(2022)
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10