what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
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us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Room with a view.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
where do you see yourself in five years?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”