“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
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My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.