Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
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It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
What about second breakfast?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
this is me
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.