So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.