for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
You Might Also Like
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Don’t touch that.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
The first one, obviously
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE