Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
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Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.