He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
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her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.