I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
You Might Also Like
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.