Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow