*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
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listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My Plans 2020
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Safety first
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…