My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat