I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
You Might Also Like
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above