You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
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I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?