A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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Another interesting #factupdates post!
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
haha same
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.