Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
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me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla