“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
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Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.