“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
You Might Also Like
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂