Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
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[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
when dads have a rap battle
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?