I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.