How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
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Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.