I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
You Might Also Like
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron: