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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.