ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
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I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please