If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.